As I pry open my pulsating eyes and feel the first afflictive sensations of an exceptional hangover, I realize it is the first of January, the primary light of the new-year.
I look around my dorm room to see the remnants of debauchery and realize I must clean my living space before a panic attack engulfs me. I put on my pants and a shirt and begin to clean. After a few minutes of cleaning I turn on some tunes to distract my thoughts from the horrific state of my body.
Once my room is cleaned up, I find my glasses (always very important to have when you are hungover and entering any public space) and put on some shoes. I then exit my room with the intention to get sweet water from the store.
As I walk to my car I think, “Dude where did I park”? Unable to recall the exact location of my car I simply use my eyes to sift through the diverse cluster of vehicles in the parking lot, still however I am unable to find it.
“Now it is time to think,” I say. When was the last time I used my car? Oh yes, I went to get beer with some friends, utilizing my new fake ID, and taking advantage of a careless liquor store employee. Upon my return I parked adjacent to my dorm, which happened to be a temporary illegal spot. I did this so I was able to glide through the halls of my dorm undetected by any residential assistants, and I did so successfully.
At this very moment my heart sank, almost ceasing to beat, my limbs became numb, the simple task of being hungover became an impossibly endless struggle, and the screaming thought of, “Did I come back out and move my car?” boomed in my mind.
As a ghost already having experienced his demise, I approach the spot where my car was last placed; it is nowhere to be found. The only visible entities were diagonal red lines inside of a box and a sign towering over me, “NO PARKING ANY TIME”.
Defeated, with the revelation that not only was I going to have to pay hundreds of dollars to get my car out of the impound, not only were people going to think I am a complete ignoramus, not only were my parents going to disown me, but on top of all this, I am not going to be able to do anything today besides work on getting my car back. As I walk back to my dorm room with absolute depression and defeat I think to myself “Happy New Year, I am truly an idiot!”